"Have you shared this with them?"

I can't recall the number of times I've asked this question and received a surprised reply of:

"Erm no I haven't"

My default, and equally surprised reply is always:

"Why not? Are they mind readers?"

After a smile, it's typically:

"Err I don't know. Maybe I should. I don't know how they'll react."

I'm no relationship expert, but one thing I've come to learn having worked with 1000s of clients is this:

Relationships can make or break a transformation.

It can happen in a few contexts:

• Before you start.
• On the way to the best shape of your life.
• Staying there, and becoming the person who does.

At each stage, it's a different problem. My goal in this piece is to break each one down, and provide frameworks to assist you.

Why It Surfaces In Body Transformations

Most people we work with fall into the following categories:

• 35-55.
• 5-20+ years into marriage.
• Couple of kids, either young or teens.
• Made a bit of money, now in 2nd or 3rd decade of career.
• Living in big metropolitan cities.
• Lost control of their health and body composition along the way, or never really figured it out.

By the point we meet them, the relationship runs on autopilot. It's a typical existence of two people working on their careers, raising their children, socialising on the weekend and having a few family holidays a year.

This transformation exposes the autopilot. It becomes a mirror to the reality of the relationship. One big change, like a transformation, lights up every misalignment in the relationship. Fast.

Everything from their values, habits, lifestyles and priorities get put under the microscope. At a deeper level, what triggers everything is a lack of communication.

Phase 1: Before It Even Begins (The Resistance)

"You've wasted money on this kind of thing before."

"You've failed every other time, why is this different?"

"This doesn't fit how we live / what we like to do together."

At the root, it's either a sense of "here we go again...", or "we're not doing this".

Before a single habit changes, the partner will push back. Oftentimes they'll use logical reasons like "finances" or "time" or "maybe next year after the house reno" as the reason why it's not a good idea.

But in many cases it's the old mirror shining a bright light at their own insecurities, and forcing them to use logic to suppress their emotion.

That's why we often hear of members joining us secretly, without any partner knowledge )and not doing well for that matter).

Resistance at this stage of the journey is dangerous. It can keep both partners stuck living the typical life "one more year", only to look back thirty years later and realise nothing has changed.

Phase 2: During The Journey (The Friction)

If one slips past phase one, but struggles during the journey, it's because the partner had no idea what was coming.

What seemed like a great idea on paper, getting into shape, has now become new foods, routines and boundaries the partner didn't sign up for.

And not just in the household, but in social settings, something which maybe wasn't part of the deal.

The trap of "not being rude or rigid" starts blocking results. Or the fear of being "that person" grows.

With a lack of genuine support, self and mutual sabotage takes place.

• You find yourself eating whatever at social events.
• You satisfy your partner's needs by eating what he/she wants.
• Sly remarks from your partner become a little more often.

A great example of this was from a member of ours who shared how she had anxiety going into her husband's birthday party. Each year it was a booze fest with plenty of food. This time her husband had given her a heads up to "not be too restrictive for the event".

It's in these little remarks where the cracks appear. It highlights a lack of value alignment, but also, a fear of letting down the social status or order of doing things.

Remember, the typical life comes with a specific set of behaviours to be adhered to. Food and alcohol indulgence, whilst appeasing guests you don't really like, is par for the course.

Punit’s Story

I think of Punit, a vet who came to us years ago. On paper he did everything right. He turned up, he engaged, he stayed consistent. But the results never matched the effort. 

Something was holding him back, and for a long time neither of us could name it.

The blocker wasn't his training or his nutrition. It was that he'd never really explained any of it to his wife. Not just the meal changes or the gym time but why it mattered to him. What the transformation actually meant. What he was chasing and why it ran so deep.

She wasn't unsupportive. She just had no idea what she was being asked to support.

It changed on his honeymoon. They were on a long drive across Australia, and he put on a couple of RNT podcasts. "I'd love for you to hear more about this," he told her. 

For the length of that road trip, she finally heard the whole thing, not the diet, the why underneath it.

That one conversation changed everything. Punit went on to spend seven years with us, completed multiple photoshoots, and transformed far more than his body - his business, his career, his life. 

But none of it moved until the person beside him understood why he was doing it.

Punit talks about this story on a podcast we filmed together here.

Phase 3: The Longer Term (The Drift)

If phase two was a surprise, it only gets worse. No one signs up for this.

One person grows. New identity, new habits, new way of living. The other stays in the old identity. What happens is they start growing apart, and resentment builds on both sides.

One person misses the way things were. The other person will be thinking "I've changed so much I don't recognise who I am anymore".

This disparity creates fear on both sides. The transformed person fears they've outgrown their partner, and that he or she won't keep up.

The unchanged partner is sitting with something quieter, and rarely says out loud:

“Will you outgrow me?”

“Will I matter less?”

“Will we still have anything in common?”

It isn't a logical fear. But it's a real one. And it's usually what's underneath the sly remark, the "let's just get a takeaway," and the lack of interest in your progress.

The growing fear in the household is: Will we survive? Is this still the right person for me?

But this is no longer simple. This is a mature, established relationship with deep roots and ties: children, societal status, financial obligations and a fear of judgement.

The Root Cause: Alignment and Honest Communication

It amazes me how few couples speak to each other outside of the mundane busyness of life, chores and domestic duties.

Date nights are a thing of the past. Sex is never on the cards. Open and honest communication has all but disappeared.

Building a relationship is hard work. We assume that once we marry and live together, it flourishes by default. But past your mid-thirties, a thriving relationship is a conscious choice to keep choosing one another, not simply existing under one roof until illness or death does its thing.

So the friction gets soothed instead of solved. And it gets soothed with vices, the ones that show up in the lonely pockets of the day, usually in secret:

Overeating. Pornography. Doomscrolling. Trash TV. Alcohol.

Or it shows up as never quite sticking to the plan, at home or in social settings, because the plan is easier to abandon than the conversation is to have.

Without sharing priorities, values, and dialogue, going through a transformation is going to be a slog.

So what do you do?

The Mistake Almost Everyone Makes

Here's the part that catches people out. When they finally talk to their partner, they get it wrong in one of two ways. They either try to recruit them, or they ask for the wrong thing.

The first mistake: recruiting.

"You should come to the gym with me."

"You need to eat better too."

"Why don't you do this with me?"

It feels like sharing, but lands as a threat. Because every time you try to convince your partner to join you, you confirm the exact fear driving their resistance: you need to change to stay relevant to me.

So they dig in harder.

The second mistake: asking vaguely.

I was speaking to a member recently who told me he just needed his wife to support him. So I asked him what support actually looked like. He paused. He couldn't answer.

"Be more supportive" is impossible to act on. Your partner can't deliver it because they don't know what it means. It also makes them the problem, you're not supporting me, which guarantees defensiveness.

The fix for both is the same: get specific, and get honest. Not "come to the gym," or "be supportive."

Instead:

"Ask me how my session went."

"Don't keep the crisps in the trolley."

"Give me one hour on a Tuesday and Thursday and take the kids."

Specific is something they can say yes to. Vague is something they can only fail at.

Because you're not asking them to change. That's not the conversation. You're asking them to understand, why this matters to you, and what it costs you both if nothing happens. The goal isn't a training partner. It's a partner who knows why you're doing this and has your back while you do.

And that starts with you being clear on the why yourself.

The 7 Whys

One reason your partner never "gets it" is that they don't know why you want to change. Circle back to the conversation I opened with, they're not mind readers. All they've heard is "I want to lose some weight," and weight loss alone is never enough. It triggers defensiveness, not support.

So before you talk to them, get honest with yourself.

Put "Why am I doing this?" at the top of a sheet of paper. Answer it. Then ask why again. Keep going until you hit the answer that scares you a little to write down. That one's the truth. Everything above it was surface.

Then sit down together and work through it, real, raw, unguarded. This is where the buy-in comes from. Skip the depth and it falls on deaf ears.

It's not a one-and-done. As you change internally, you'll need to have it again, maybe at every phase. Which is exactly why you need something that keeps the conversation alive.

The Relationship Ritual

At a recent Lifestyle Design workshop in London, I shared a ritual my wife and I have run since 2019.

We started it because I was working extremely long hours, and I was turning up to dates exhausted, sometimes even falling asleep!

This was prior to us moving together, so the limited time we did spend together was poor quality.

(Both our Love Languages was Quality Time, meaning neither of our cups were being filled)

Communication was lacking, and the ritual was born. It consists of a dedicated journal, used every week, split into five parts:

1. Appreciations of one another, at least three.
2. Together to-dos for the week.
3. Plans for good times this week, not next month, not next year.
4. Opportunities to improve.
5. Wins for the week.

It's the balance of gratitude and genuine development. But the real value is in part four, opportunities to improve. A safe, proactive forum to air anything before it festers and gets swept under the carpet.

The reception surprised me. Half the room was excited to try it. The other half visibly shuddered. "There's no way my husband does this." "This won't work with my wife."

All because of part four.

If direct, honest conversation isn't your strong point, raising issues feels impossible. The ritual is the best workaround I've found, it makes the hard conversation a routine instead of an event.

It's also where alignment happens. You'll discover your priorities differ from your partner's, and that's fine. A healthy marriage holds a relationship with yourself, your partner and your family all at once. What isn't fine is failing to support the priorities that mean the most to them. Done right, you often find that the time your partner spends on their priority directly feeds your quality of life. You just never sat down long enough to see it.

For example, my physical fitness runs as a consistent top priority in my life. Not in a "stay in shape and look after my health" way, but in a serious personal development pursuit. My wife knows this well. She knows for me to function at my best in business and in the family, carving out more than the typical "three 30 minutes a week in the gym" is required. This runs both ways, and I know what she needs to fill her cup in order to function at her best.

By the way, you'll tell yourself you can't find thirty minutes a week for this ritual. Work, kids, life. "Busyness." That excuse might be the exact thing keeping you from the life you want.

Then Stop Talking (And Lead By Example)

Here's the part people get backwards.

Once you've shared your why, the work shifts. You don't keep selling it. You don't keep inviting them to the gym. You don't report back on every session or quote another podcast at dinner.

You go quiet, and you let your consistency do the talking.

Sharing the why and leading by example aren't opposites, they're a sequence. First they understand why this matters to you. Then your results, not your lectures, do the convincing. Most people skip the first step, jump straight to preaching, and wonder why their partner digs in.

Because here's what actually happens when you stop trying to convert them. The threat disappears. They watch you get up early without complaining. They notice you've got more energy, more patience, more presence. They see you're still showing up for them, date night still happens, the ritual still happens, you're not lost to it.

And slowly, the resistance flips. Not because they suddenly want to get shredded. But because they feel secure again. Some of the best transformations I've seen in couples started with one person, in silence, becoming impossible to ignore.

When You Do It Together

Everything so far has been about one person carrying the change and bringing their partner along. But there's another version of this, and when it works, it's the most powerful of all.

Doing it together.

When both partners commit, the whole dynamic shifts. The accountability is built in. The temptations don't sit on opposite sides of the kitchen. There's no one egging the other off-plan, because you're both pulling the same direction. You share the early mornings, the wins, the hard weeks and you're both invested, emotionally, financially, mentally, in seeing it through.

We've watched couples go through this and come out the other side closer than they've been in years. Not just leaner or fitter but reconnected. Because the process forces the exact things a long marriage tends to lose: shared goals, honest conversation, a reason to show up for each other again.

The transformation becomes the thing you do together, not the wedge between you.

It isn't always possible.Sometimes one of you starts alone, and that's fine. But if your partner is willing, doing it side by side is the closest thing to a shortcut I've found. The body changes either way. What changes when you do it together is the relationship itself.

My favourite, without bias of course, is my parents. Read their case study here.

Read their case study here.

The Transformed Marriage

The right partner can make or break your goals. It's one of the greatest determinants of your quality of life. I've had terrible relationships in the past to know exactly what I wanted when it came to marrying my wife. I was very specific in what I was looking for, and I did not compromise. I wanted someone who I could grow with, and did not require me to feel whole to avoid neediness or operating from a sense of lack.

Through every life change, I've made it a priority to communicate my evolving desires and challenges to stay on the same page as we navigate life together.

There's nothing worse than coexisting with another person living the typical life society writes for you. I don't want that for anyone.

What I love about what we do is maybe for the first time, it forces you to wake up, think about your decisions, and scrutinise whether they are right for you or not.

Hard conversations take a few minutes. People procrastinate and pay the price of pain for years.